I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
