We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
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