Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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