If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Randomize
