I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
Randomize
