I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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