I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
