All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
Randomize
