I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
