Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
