really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
