Me too!
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
