I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
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