Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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