I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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