you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?
I think the two go hand in hand.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
