She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
