I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
show concern. Mark ate a butterfly and proceeded to drink more shots like nothing happened
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
