i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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