The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
This question may sound intrusive, but how did pushing out a baby affect your vagina?
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
He? As in you personified your dick?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
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