you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
