Soap is not a condiment
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
