Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
it's fine if we fail the bar, we were never going to satisfy the moral character requirement anyway
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
