I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I think I just cured my dogs munchies
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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