Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
