She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
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