Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
We have started to decorate penises.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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