Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Randomize
