He kissed a someone with a penis
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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