He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Randomize
