Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
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