how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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