shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
chastity bono is officially a man...and has a really hot girlfriend...life doesn't make sense
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize