I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
lol hangovers are for mortals.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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