So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Randomize
