the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
