I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
