do you know how bad I want you right now?
As bad as i want you to stop texting me?
is that a hint?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
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