apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
