The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
