if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
The power of my boobs compel you
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
