just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.
I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
