Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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