i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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