If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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