She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Do you think it's my receding hair line that makes all the milfs attracted to me??
Randomize
