Betty ford says i'm here all night
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
