fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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