I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Houston, we have a blender
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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