I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
