It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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