i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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