she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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