One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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