Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
