i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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