Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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