He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
